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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
Textaphrenia – thinking you’ve heard or felt a new text message vibration when there is no message.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger ... at least one of them anyway.