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It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
If the liquor store didn`t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
when i die i want to be thrown out of an airplane with a superman costume