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ALCOHOL! Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s greener where you water it.