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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...
I don`t use cocaine, I just like the way it smells.