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Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I just dusted and mopped the house like 3 months ago and it’s dirty again. This is bullsh!t.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?