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So if one was to type ‘idiot’ into Google, would your picture come up?
If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I bet some of you would absolutely kill it in a race where you had to jump over obstacles while looking at your phone.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.