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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed," many women still sleep with their husbands.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
Go ahead caller 9!!
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.