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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
my girlfriend does that cute thing, where she doesnt exist.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.