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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?