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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Behind every successful status update, there is a Ctrl C & Ctrl V
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.