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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
and alcohol are now friends.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying