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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
It doesn`t matter how old you are, If you hear the ice cream truck jingle you jump out the window for that sh!t.
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Hit me with your pet shark #RuinAn80sSong
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.