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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
It`s funny how things change when you get older. It seems like just yesterday I would spend my evenings on the front porch and treat myself to some killer weed. Now I spend my
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.