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the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn`t work...
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
Haters can hate all they want... they don`t affect my money.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.