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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
The best things in life require no pants.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
My therapist just offered me my money back.
I have never preheated an oven but I have pre-eaten a frozen pizza.
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.