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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?