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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
The guy that discovered milk...What was he doing to that cow?
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I really hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
All milk is breast milk.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.