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If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)