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You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I make a great second impression.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
I`d hit that. - women drivers
I don´t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.