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Nothing makes me want to leave a website more than a pop-up window saying, “Are you sure you want to leave this page?”
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
A man is as faithful as his options
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.