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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.