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The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me ... I live in a city.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Velcro, what a rip-off!
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
"in other news… it turns out being mayor of Toronto is all that its cracked up to be" - George T. Ignace
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Today somebody called me a model! Well they said "poster boy for birth control", but I knew what they meant.
If people who shop at Walmart, “Save Money. Live Better.” Exactly how bad were these people living BEFORE Walmart?