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I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
havung sex in a elevator is wrong on so many levels....no mattet what floor your on
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
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I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.