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Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
I`m having trouble telling if it`s killing me or making me stronger
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.