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Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
They keep telling me theres plenty of fish in the sea, but I havent caught one in years, soooo I continue to sit here, holding my rod.
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Another funny thing about this status is when you finally realize that it talks about nothing? its all ready too late to stop reading. lol
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I really like what you`ve done with your crazy.
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.