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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
I`m the crazy bitch you`ll never forget.
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea`s TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.