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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.