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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
I may not look good naked, but I`m a beautiful person on the insi.... Hahahaha just kidding I look great naked
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
When I ask a girl I like why she and her ex broke up and she says "we just didn`t work out" I already know I have no chance since I hate working out
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.