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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Thought cartoons were getting better. Turns out it was a news story about Justin Bieber.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.