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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Perverts can contribute to society. Look at the disturbed individual who discovered cow`s milk.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
LIKE if you check your phone to see what time it is and then check it again because the first time you weren’t paying attention.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.