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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you..
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
Girls just wanna have funds.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.