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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Your personality needs alcohol.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
You`re about 8 beers away from being my type.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
There is no greater stress than the stress of a guy who forgot his phone & left it at home with his wife.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Answering your cell when you don`t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.