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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.