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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
If Olympic drinking was an event I would probably take gold in the floor routine.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.