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I am trying my very best to get into the holiday spirit but I cant open the damn bottle.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
We live in a world in where it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
We`re up to Fast n Furious #6. Shouldn`t they just create a weekly TV series?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.