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I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
My cardio is shopping.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
I wish hangovers and orgasms could swap durations.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.