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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Partying on my level requires years of training.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Real friends show me their boobs
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass