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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
With great power comes great electricity bill.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Kinda like Facebook, I wish I could ‘hide’ people in real life.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.