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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
I`m a good singer. Unfortunately I have a bad voice.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
It`s so hard to find obedient minions
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
If you can’t face it, moon it.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Reincarnation is my only hope.