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I really need a long road trip, top down, in the Jeep...with a cooler....loud music....and an extra cooler in case the first one isn`t enough
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
And I was like “No, Coke is NOT ok. I wanted a Pepsi.” And she was all “Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies.”
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.