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I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
I wonder how many messengers were killed before they came up with the saying.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I`d take Cap`n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren`t on his hat.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Tieam... problem solved
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.