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I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.