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People, like prescription drugs, should have to list the side effects they`re likely to cause.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Yes, I dance in my car. Yes, I see you staring at me. No, I do not care.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol