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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
It’s proving very difficult to find a shop selling “Left Guard” for my other armpit…
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Why doesn`t someone invent a clear toaster? Then you could see how toasted your toast is while it`s toasting.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.