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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Facebook would be much more interesting if they let you decide, which part of the body you wanna Poke.
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I`m alright, but I feel like, well, like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
If Kanye didn`t sing "Gold Digger" while Kim walked down the aisle, I`m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.