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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.