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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?