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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
As I slid my finger slowly down her G string, I thought to myself "this is a nice guitar"
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.