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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I`m going to bed
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on