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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
It’s a status….not your diary…