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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
The best thing about not being with you, is not being with you.
I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Allow me to explain myself via a new communication method I like to call "Interpretive Napping"
"You`re better than that" is almost never true
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?