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A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
To be honest, I´m just fishing for compliments tonight.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?