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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
"They Dared Me To" should be a legitimate excuse in a Court of Law.
The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.