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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my “funny” status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?