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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Drinking: because why not intensify the feelings you’re trying to escape?
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
I went somewhere earlier and saw a frog parked illegally and the poor thing got toad!!
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`