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Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Most people don`t think I`m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
According to my current parking spot I`m a physician.