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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
List of the most populated places in the world - 1. China 2. India 3. Friend Zone 4. United States 5. Indonesia
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."