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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight like hell when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
In a perfect world Taco Bell would deliver...
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Love your neighbor. But don`t get caught.