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When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
Technology is outpacing my ability to come up with convincing lies that I didn`t get your message.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.
Ever wish the choice you made and the “right thing to do” were the same thing?