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There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God`s way of telling us that it`s okay to eat before going to bed.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
This status has been censored by Facebook
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
Some people are grateful for the impact you made in their life…. It’s not me, I think you’re a pr!ck.
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.