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Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
Facebook is not all about likes and shares. . . Like and share if you agree.
The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.