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Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
Iām not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
No Grandma, "sausage fest" is not a new special breakfast at IHOP
This Facebook is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.