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Whenever I’m bored I stop a stranger and ask “where am I?” and whatever they say I runaway screaming “Hahaha I’m a genius! I can teleport!”
Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
Gym update: not there
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Trivia - It turns out that Alexander the Great was not all that great. But in those days, nobody had the guts to call him Alexander the SO-SO
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.