Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
The way to win the lottery is to choose the correct numbers in the correct sequence before they are announced. (You’re welcome)
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.