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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.