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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying