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That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
I`d rather spend 5 minutes reorganizing the dishwasher, than spend the 10 seconds it takes to wash the dish that doesn`t fit.
I put a pair of boots in the bathroom stall at work so nobody else will use the stall that I like to use.
I was sad, because I had no shoes. Until I met a man that had no feet. So, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan`t using them anyway!
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
Calling out your ex`s name during sex is a nice way to show your current lover that you won`t forget them after you break up.