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You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I just can’t stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to “stay cool”
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, so I invited All of her Friends over and made them clean the house.
Sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk`d...
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.