Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.