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Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
There are 2 kinds of people: 1) Happy morning people 2) Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the happy morning people
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize. I honestly didn’t think you could read.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.