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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.