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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight