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I love work; it fascinates me. I can sit and watch folks do it for hours.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will describe me as "quiet"
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who’s hot. It’s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Despite what people may tell you, its the fat that makes you look fat... NOT the dress!! lol
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
I`d say go to hell, but I don`t want to see you again.