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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.