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I miss the life I planned in my head.
Can you imagine if Facebook just decided to shut down and you see all these confused teenagers coming out of their house squinting at the sun/
All I`m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us. But, whatever, be that way.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
I posted one little joke claiming to have won the lottery and Facebook finds me 1,347 new possible relatives.
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
Work is the curse of the drinking class.