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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Relationship Status: eating
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.