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Oh and BTW,,, Why haven`t Pig Pen`s parents been visited by child services yet?
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
I don’t think girls realize how handsome my mom says I am.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
I`d kill for a microwave that plays Europe`s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.