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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
No, whenever there`s trouble, YOU always seem to be around ... officer.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.
You must be a parking ticket or something for the word FINE is written all over you.