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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
The right man breaks your headboard, not your heart.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at him.