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Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that cheap things always attract many customers.
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles