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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of people wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
I did a half hour on the treadmill each day last week. This week, I`m up to 1 hour a day. I`m slowly building up to actually turning it on some time in the future.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.