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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I think Tampax and Hershey`s should get together and offer a super pack....
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I made this margarita with my kids` slushie machine ... Don`t judge
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
If two wrongs don`t make a right, try three.