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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I have off-road rage, too
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.