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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Raise the bar..? Like go and drink upstairs..?
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to go poop after you get out of the shower.