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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.