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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Go to China on honeymoon. Get intimate with Husband. Tell child that they were "Made in China."
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
gone fishing ¸.·´¯`·.¸><((((º>
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species