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Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!