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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, “Yes, we’ve met before.” So they feel awkward trying to remember me.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.