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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
My RSVP : I`ll be attending your wedding alone but consuming enough cake and alcohol for at least two.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
I’m back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.
48 states observe daylight savings time. The other two clock block.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with