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That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.
Noise canceling toilets should be a thing.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.