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In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.