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"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I did not trip...the floor looked like it needed a hug.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!