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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.