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Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
My wife is pissed at me again...appearently I am breathing wrong.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. Must get that from his mother.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.